


Aximili's Guide to Human Mating Calls

by Silveryfeather



Category: Animorphs - Katherine A. Applegate
Genre: A study into human romance, Alien Culture, Ax flirts with everything, Ax's POV, F/M, Gen, Humor, Rachel actually gets to swear, Slight shippy feelings though weirdly enough
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-08
Updated: 2019-02-08
Packaged: 2019-10-24 10:39:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17702801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silveryfeather/pseuds/Silveryfeather
Summary: Ax does a little bit of research into human 'mating calls' and decides to experiment as well.





	Aximili's Guide to Human Mating Calls

My name is Aximili-Esgarrouth-Isthill, a young  _ aristh  _ and the leading human expert as of yet. I have spent many, many months with these strange creatures called 'humans' and learned quite a bit about their culture. Enough to write several socio-science papers on their truly odd behaviors. But this time I will be explaining a peculiar human behavior. One that is deeply intertwined with their mating rituals.

I am talking about human mating calls. 

Humans do not call these odd mouth sounds mating calls per say, but had named them 'pick-up lines' for reasons I have yet to find out. These mating calls are quite numerous and can change from human to human even. So far I have recorded nearly two hundred types of mating calls with the help of the human Marco. He seems to be an expert when it comes to these mating calls which has greatly helped my research. I would not be as knowledgeable as I am without him.   


Now these mating calls have different success rates from what I had observed in both human 'Televised Programing' and out in the field. I had test subjects to work these on and each one knows that this is strictly for experimentation. Below I will list each observation and give a proper description of the results.

**Subject one 'Cassie':**

<Cassie.> I approached the fence line where Cassie was currently cleaning out the water trough. She jerks her head up in a rather painful looking manner before giving me an odd human smile.    
  
“Hey Ax, didn’t see you There.” She wiped her earth covered hands on her pants before glancing around curiously. “What’s up?”   
  
<I believe the sky is ‘what’s up’.> Humans and their odd greetings.    
  
“Ax ‘what’s up’ just means hi.” Cassie shook her head at me, smiling still.   
  
<Ah, I will remember that.>   
  
“So uh… what exactly are you doing here? There isn’t a meeting right?” She leans up on the fence a bit.    
  
<I simply wish to attempt to use a human mating call on you. I do not truly wish to attract you but I do wish to see what may happen.> I replied, nervously shifting my back hooves.    
  
“Excuse me, what?” Cassie narrowed her eyes at me. “Human mating calls? Ax what are you talking about?”   
  
<May I give you an example?> I offered.    
  
“Uh… you know what I’m curious so what the heck. Go ahead Ax.” She smiled up at me as she crossed her arms over her chest. I felt my ear tips warm up at her approval. I was glad that Cassie was at least willing to hear it.   
  
I shuffled my hooves quickly running through a few of them that Marco had told me about. It took me a moment but I did have one in mind. So I straightened myself up before tipping a stalk at her.    
  
I leaned in close to her, resting my arms on the fence to bring myself with in close proximity to Cassie. Humans oddly were a very touch driven species and seemed to enjoy getting close to other humans, even strangers. Even more so if one is courting. Much to my surprise Cassie seemed to have grown rather timid once I leaned in close to her. Was this a good sign or a bad one?

I looked her over for a moment then focused my main eyes on her own, curling my eyes into a smile. <I believe I can get rather lost in your eyes.>   
  
Cassie’s face seems to darken a bit as her eyes widened slightly. “Uh… Thank you?”   
  
Now she refused to keep eye contact with me choosing to look out into the distance. I tipped a stalk curiously in her direction wondering what she was doing. It took a minute and fifteen seconds for her to return contact with me.    
  
“That was pretty good actually.” She laughed.    
  
<Ah, was it?> Now this was a surprising result. Was this mating call a truly effective one?

“Yeah, you’ve got me blushing a bit actually.” Cassie rubbed her own cheek before looking at the trough. She takes a look at me before stepping back to her task and dipping her arms in up until the elbow.    
  
It was clear she was trying to avoid looking at me. Once again this was a rather fascinating result. Perhaps I may have to record this one as successful. But I can not be truly sure until I attempt another.    
  
<I seemed to have lost my communication number so foolishly, perhaps I may have your own?>   
  
This time Cassie jerked roughly from the trough, looking at me directly in the eyes. I stepped back quickly, startled. 

“Are you really asking me for my phone number?” She asked, her tone surprised.   
  
<Is that not a proper mating call?> I wondered if it was rude to ask for one’s ‘phone number’. Is that only a thing courting humans do?

“No, not really. Especially since you don’t even have a phone.” She rubbed her foot against one of her legs.   
  
<I am aware. I assume it did not work and thus was an ineffective mating call in this situation.> I sighed once again through my nose. Why did she have to state the obvious?   
  
“Ax those aren’t mating calls, they’re pickup lines.” Her face was darkening once again. She was stating something I had already known.

<I am well aware of that Cassie.> I sighed through my nose at her.

“Did Marco put you up to this?”   
  
<Not particularly. But I did enlist his help in teaching me such methods.> I tipped a stalk at her again.    
  
“Right then… please stop taking his advice.” Cassie sighed heavily at me, returning back to what she was doing. But that darker shade around her cheeks and nose did not fade. If I remember correctly this was called a ‘blush’ a reaction to many things including embarrassment.    
  
<Thank you for you time.> I knew when to leave. It was obvious that Cassie wanted to focus on her work instead of me.    
  
She simply smile up at me then looked back down. I turned away and cantered off back to my own scoop. I needed to record my results.   
  
**Results:**

Successful first attempt though it would seem some of these mating calls are considered rude. Perhaps I need to revise my list.

  
  
**Subject 2 ‘Rachel’:**

 

Rachel certainly was going to be a different kind of challenge. She herself was very aggressive and might I say dominate as well. If she was a female andalite she certainly would be an interesting challenge in both battle and in conversation. But sometimes her aggression does worry me. Especially when in battle.    
  
I met with Marco at the mall after his schooling in a human morph different from my last. This human morph came from a combination of simply Marco and a few other human male’s DNA. The  _ frolis  _ maneuver  made my morph tall, lanky, with earth brown eyes and reddish-blond hair. My human name now was ‘Alex’.   
  
My plan this time was to approach her and simply begin my mating calls. Rachel was aggressive so I simply must be more bold in my approach. Certainly that would sway someone as assertive as she.    
  
“Alright Ax here’s the plan, Rachel is at the food court right now. You’re going to go up there and give her all you have.” Marco pounded his fist into his hand, grinning.    
  
“May I get a cinnamon bun after? Buh-un.” I asked, my mouth already salivating at the prospect of food.

“Sure if you survive.” Marco shrugged, letting his arms fall at his sides.   
  
That certainly did not sound encouraging. Will I really die if I failed? Was mariticide common in humans?

“Marco am I really going to be killed if I failed?” This certainly was a new concept that trouble me greatly. If this was what humans are like romantically then they are truly a terrifying species.

“What? No, don’t worry Ax. I’m just joking. She’s not going to kill you.” Marco laughed, his grin ever widening.   
  
“Ah, of course.” I do not think I will ever understand ‘joking’.

But there was another question on my mind as well.

“Tobias did give me his permission to perform this experiment, correct?” After all this was my  _ shorm’s  _ love interest. I did not want to encroach on the female he wanted to pursue.    
  
“Yeah he knows you’re not serious about it.” Marco said, walking past me.    
  
I stumbled forward as I followed after him. I was relieved to hear again that he in fact will allow me to do this. Perhaps if my attempts are successful then I may teach him how to woo her as well. Anything for my  _ shorm  _ really.    
  
We stepped on the motorized, very unsafe ‘escalator’ to reach the second floor where the food court was. As I waited to reach the top I was vaguely listening to Marco talk. I wasn’t quite listening much considering he tend to babble about many things non-stop. He certainly was a tiresome human really. 

Once we had reached the food court it was not hard to spot Rachel amongst a group of females similar in age to her. For a moment I felt that familiar andalite instinct of not approaching a group of females. Females in groups tend to easily drive away a single male looking to court one of them. They also tend to tease and sneer at a male with enough gall to do so. This was certainly going to be quite the test.    
  
“Alright Ax, go get’em.” Marco slapped my shoulder, causing me to stumble a bit. I turned my head towards him upset that he had hit me. Marco merely shrugged and smiled.    
  
I frowned at him before focusing my eyes on my target. Already I could feel my heart beat rising and my legs grow weak. The human instincts were starting to ‘kick in’ so to say, the fight or flight reaction as it was call. My human morph sense danger or at least a situation that could possibly be dangerous. But I needed to be calm, I needed to be in control of this.    
  
I puffed up my chest and walked with a ‘swagger’. Swaggering simply entailed one to take wider steps while squaring your shoulders and keeping your head high. It is apparently considered quite attractive to some humans if one walked with confidence.    
  
Rachel’s eyes snapped to me as I approached and she stared at me, her lips set in a firm line. She crossed her arms over her chest while leaning back in her chair, looking at me from head to toe. Was my swaggering working? Was she interested?

Unfortunately the other females had noticed as well and were watching me. My confidence was quickly dropping and I could feel the anxiety my human morph felt. But I needed to move on.    
  
Just as Marco had shown me, I pulled up a chair from another table then flipped it around so the back was facing them. I sat down on the chair, straddling it while leaning on top of the back. I curled my lips into a friendly smile as I looked at Rachel directly in the eyes.    
  
“Who is this weirdo?” One of the females whispered to another, not taking her eyes off of me. I forced myself to ignore it lest I lose what little confidence I had.    
  
Rachel was already slowly shaking her head, her eyes narrowed and her lips turned up ever so slightly. 

Now was the time to enact my plan.    
  
“Are you this solar system’s star? Stuh-arr. Because you seem to be currently alighted.” I flashed a smile at her.    
  
Rachel raised an eyebrow at me, her expression not changing. She kept silent which only told me that she was not impressed. I needed to try harder.    
  
“Rachel, I think we should go.” A female started to get up.    
  
“Don’t worry, go ahead. I’m staying.”   
  
“Huh? Why?” The female who had spoken called in surprise.    
  
“I’m just going to see what’s up with him.” Rachel answered, her tone obviously smug.    
  
The other females looked between each other then one of them shrugged. I watched in silence as they got up and left the table. This left me and Rachel alone.    
  
“Ax what the  _ hell  _ are you doing?”    
  
“Ah, you could tell?” I was a bit stunned. How did she figure it out so fast?   
  
“Yeah it’s not really hard to figure that one out when you talk like you’re from outer space.” She turns one corner of her mouth up. “What are you doing? Trying to pick me up or something?”   
  
“I can not lift you Rachel.” I replied, lowering my chin onto my hands. Why would I want to anyway?   
  
“Ax, I’m asking you if you’re trying to date me or something.” She shook her head at me, her hair fluttering around her face as she does. “I’m not really into alien centaurs, so don’t bother.”   
  
I frowned at her for a moment, wondering what was so unattractive about my normal form. I certainly wasn’t the best looking of my kind but I was far from the least. But I simply accepted that she wasn’t interested in others outside of her species. I am the same way to be quite honest.    
  
“No, I have no interest in becoming your mate. Muh-ate” I said, keeping my frown.    
  
“Then why are you using pick-up lines on me? Not to mention terrible ones.” She seemed to grin for a moment before her mouth was set to a straight line.   
  
“It is for an experiment.”   
  
“What kind of experiment?”    
  
“To see what is the most effective mating call.” I replied with a smug smile.    
  
“Mating call-” Rachel’s eyebrows furrowed together and her mouth stretched down one side. “Ax did you seriously call pick-up lines mating calls?”   
  
“That is essentially what they are. They are used to attract or woo a potential mate.” I was frowning. Are humans truly this dense?

“Yeah, ok, whatever.” She rolled her eyes at me, sighing. “For future reference, that was one was horrible.”   
  
“I do realize that Rachel. I can tell when a female is not swooning at my artificial hooves.” I said shortly in reply. 

This was obviously going to be quite the battle it would seem. Already she was combating my efforts with her own aggression. I do wonder what kind of male Tobias would have to be to truly take her as his mate. Certainly one that wasn’t passive.    
  
“Yeah, who’d you been taking tips from?” She wrinkled her nose.   
  
“Marco of course.” I snorted through my nose. This action caused me to sneeze afterwords, making my chair rock.   
  
“Oh yeah, great idea. Take tips from the guy who’s never even dated.”    
  
“HEY!” Marco called from a seat not too far away. “I just have high standards.”   
  
Rachel stuck her tongue out at him before returning her attention to me once again. Now she was becoming tiresome.    
  
“Then may I do another attempt?” I asked her, wondering for a moment what kind of male asks that.   
  
She regarded me from head to toe before nodding. “Yeah, I could use a good laugh anyway.”   
  
I stood up in reply to this and pushed my chair away. Her body stiffened slightly and her eyes narrowed. She had probably taken that as an aggressive action. Certainly not good.    
  
“Alright then, do you wish to know what kind of material this synthetic skin is made of?” I pulled at the ‘shirt’ on my body, staring at her straight in the eyes.    
  
She quirked an eyebrow at me. “Cotton?”   
  
“No Rachel, it’s made of mate material. Just as I am.” I pulled my lips back into a barred tooth smirk.    
  
Much to my surprise Rachel bursts out laughing. She rocks back into her chair and tossed her head, golden hair flowing.    
  
“Oh my god that was perfect Ax.” She suddenly leans forward, resting her chin on the backs of her hand. She wipes away something from the corner of her eyes.    
  
“Not effective I take it.” She was certainly a challenge.    
  
“Yeah, not really. But it was funny.” She smugly said. 

“I have many more.” I sat back down on a forward facing chair, my hearts thundering with what seemed to be excitement.    
  
This is what one calls ‘romantic tail-blading’ in my people’s society. The battle of a male against a female’s will and wit. There can only be one winner in these battles.

“Oh boy, I can’t wait. Bring it.”   
  
I get up once again, going for the direct approach. I slipped into a chair beside her own, eager to enact another plan. Marco’s had utterly failed so it was up to me to salvage this. 

I grabbed Rachel’s hands into my own and pulled them firmly against my chest. Rachel jerked but didn’t try too hard to pull away. If anything she seemed more interested then upset with me. Even as I leaned in close enough so that I could feel her breath on my mouth, making me tremble slightly.    
  
“I have been missing something my whole life. It is you. Perhaps you would like to rectify that mistake?” I breathed, locking my eyes with her own. I begin lean in, attempting to kiss her. If humans were so contact prone, then let me be touching her then.   
  
Rachel’s eyes grew wide as her face turns a shade of pinkish-red. She was rather quick to pull away before I could kiss her, getting up out of her seat as she does. She opens her mouth before closing it. She looked away for twenty seconds then looks back at me then crossed her arms over her chest, her face turning a darker shade of pinkish-red.    
  
“Damn it Ax.” She snapped before snatching her bag off of the table and tossing it over her shoulder. She gives me one last upset look then rapidly walks away.   
  
I smiled.

Victory.

“Holy crap Ax, that was a bit uh… Too far.” Marco said as he joined me at the table I was currently sitting at. I glanced over at him, my face set to a frown now.    
  
“It would seem I had. But I had gotten the data I needed.” I paused for a moment before adding. “I will have to gain her forgiveness though considering she is upset with me.”   
  
Marco shook his head at me.    
  
“Yeah, don’t do that.”   
  
I glanced over at him. “Why?”   
  
“She might kick you in the jewels.”   
  
“The… jewels? What body part is that?” I asked, my curiosity now rising.    
  
“It’s uh… never mind actually. Just give her some time.” Marco got up, offering me a hand. I took it and got out of my chair, frowning. What was so private about these ‘jewels’?   
  
Marco tossed an arm over my shoulder as we walked, making me slightly uncomfortable. Uncomfortable enough to step away and pull off his arm.    
  
“So how about a cinnamon bun then?” Marco asked, putting his hands into his pockets.    
  
“After what I had experienced? I certainly would.”   
  
That had to be the second sweetest cinnamon bun I had so far.   
  
**Results:**

Aggressive human females are certainly more trouble than they are worth. I highly recommend being direct or simply prepare yourself for a battle  _ if  _ you are planning to experiment as I had. The effectiveness of the mating calls was below par if not at all effective. The direct approach had worked well. Though I have a feeling my  _ shorm  _ might not be pleased with me. But perhaps I can teach him. 

 

* * *

 

As of yet, my sample size has only been two. Marco told me that maybe we can crash a party and get some practice there. Maybe he was correct but I do wonder if I was going to be in danger doing so. Rachel and Cassie knew me, but strange females…

I needed to be more brave than that. In the pursuit of knowledge one must be prepared for unfavorable conditions. Even if those conditions included young female humans in a setting where I could easily become a victim. I did not know what a human female was capable of when she rejects a male. I had only experienced it once with Rachel.

Or maybe I am simply over thinking this and it was simply as primitive as one might think. At least human females are not andalian females, whom are known to be quite emotionally harming if they so desire to. 

Perhaps I am just not quite well versed in this type of mating call. But perhaps with a bit of work, I might actually be able to use it on one of my kind. After all, it was such a simple system you simply had to find the right female at the right time.    
  


* * *

 

 

**Aximili’s Personal List of Human Mating Calls:**

 

**-** Have we met before? Oh my mistake, I believe it was only in my dreams.

-Are you this system’s star? You seemed to be alight. 

-You wish to know what material this artificial skin is made of?

(Mate Material.)

- You have many circular curves on your body type and I find that attractive.   **(Notes: I do not quite understand this one myself.)**

- ~~May I have your communication number? I have foolishly lost mine.~~ **(Notes: Rude to ask apparently unless you have a device.)**

-We humans are always tasting our own tongues. Perhaps you wish to taste mine instead?  **(Notes: Marco told me to avoid this one but why?)**

-Are you not native to this planet? You are simply not of this world.

-Your hand looks heavy. May I assist you and help you hold it?

-You are so attractive it’s distracting  **(Notes: This is apparently ‘adorable’. At least my** **_shorm_ ** **says so.)**

**-** I believe my mandible has dislocated and is now on the floor.  **(Notes: Too morbid apparently?)**

~~-Let us skip introductions and simply do as the Earth animals do instead.~~ ( **Notes: Rachel-** **_WHO THE HELL TOLD YOU THIS ONE?_ **

**Marco- I would say it was me but…**

**Ax- How do any of you have access to my personal files?)** (edited 2 days ago)

-I believe I may be getting lost in your eyes. ( **Notes: Romantic but ‘cheesy’ according to Cassie)**

-You are  _ my  _ cinnamon bun ( **Notes: No one understands my love for cinnamon buns. I feel upset that they do not realize that this is a wonderful compliment.)**

-My hands are rather cold you see… perhaps you can warm mine up with your own?

-If I am still asleep, I do hope I don’t wake up soon.

-Excuse me, but you seemed to have taken something from me.

(My hearts of course)

-Did you perhaps have wings? Or did you lose them when you fell out of the Earth’s atmosphere? 

 


End file.
